"Doing the best she could" -- I'm just not buying it. And she has not changed! I don't want to attribute any of my self work to her, but that does add to my healing.
It wasn't me. It was never me. Those were my eggshells. I was the child, not you. How dare you to ever place any blame or fault on me because of your problems, so many of which you brought on yourself. How fucking dare you! And as I grew older you continued, while trying to just make it day to day without breaking, while trying to figure out who I was, you never stopped. What the fuck were you thinking?And let's fast forward to college graduation. The one thing I held onto every year since a little girl. I was going to college. I had no idea what college was but I knew it was a good place to go. And you started a huge fight via text messages, you coward. And you weren't there, once again, because you were selfish, once again.
I'm in my mid-thirties and I am angry. I am sad. A chunk of my body is missing, the scars and stitches and bruises from climbing trees or playing chase or jumping off the diving board -- my pain was so different from my classmates. I felt like an adult when I was in elementary school. Today I feel like a child navigating through a corporate workplace and marriage and organizing my home and staying on top of laundry and grocery shopping. I've gained weight like you. I've made poor choices at my job like you. I've let clothes pile up in multiple places throughout the house like you. I don't have friends like you. I tell you that you cannot control me anymore. That ended the day I graduated college. But you do still have control, and I hope you never know this.