It's a defeated feeling when you make a wrong choice. Especially if you know it's wrong as you do it. Deep inside you know it's not right, but you compromise and say "just this one time" or you justify your choice with what obviously are silly reasons. Silly and ridiculous to the "average" person. In that moment, why can't we step into the shoes of an "average" person? What draws us in to making the choice we know is wrong?
This is a struggle I have. From taking the HOV in the mornings when it's just me in the car to taking that extra pill I'm not prescribed. With the HOV I said one morning "I'm running so late, just today and I won't do it again." With my medication I say "just this one pill right now. I won't take another. And it won't hurt me."
But those choices to hurt you. Maybe not in the natural. But it hurts your soul. You compromise your integrity and weaken your character. You may long forget that choice you made, but the consequences I just spoke of soak into your skin, penetrate into your veins and organs. I'm not being dramatic or tragic. I'm just being honest. Speaking my truth as I know it to be.
Again I go back to why. Self sabotage. Not caring for myself as I need to care and nurture my physical and emotional self. It's a cycle of repeating the care and attention you've received, or not received, in the past. You are in the moment, not thinking about your future but rather stuck in your past. The cycle of it doesn't matter, not really. But it does matter. To move forward you must understand that everything matters. Most importantly yourself.
I matter. I am deserving of love and care. And the most significant level of love and care begins and ends with what I give myself. That's what sticks to my soul. That's the record that plays in my mind when no one can hear and when no one's around.
I must change the record. Play a different tune. Find a song that is soothing and loving and that builds me up. So when the time comes and I'm in that moment about to make a choice, I hear that record in the background.
Cliche. Too many puns. Whatever. I'm choosing my music and these thoughts are the intro.