Saturday, July 14, 2018

An Imperfect, Exciting and Mysterious Post

I've been struggling with writing a post for the last...well forever it seems. I want it to be eloquent and for you to walk away with some great insight that helps you in your life. But nothing. I just want to write about a few amazing nouns (people, place, thing) I've encountered in the last year. I'm afraid if I wait for that perfect post you'll never know, and you have to know. I would want to know because it's all just so incredible and weird and leaves me at some interesting crossroads.

I met a man at the end of last year. He is a Vietnam vet and writer. And as I have come to suspect, an angel sent by God to intervene in my life. He wanted to get involved with the organization I was working for so we chatted, I learned a little about his background and we parted ways. Just before he left my office, he handed me a business card from the church he attends and mentioned I might benefit from going to a service. He reminded me of my great-grandfather, a kind, old man with a story to tell. We talked once or twice afterward about me possibly helping with a writing project and then communication fizzled.

About two months ago I thought of him. I sent him an email letting him know I was no longer at the organization where we met but that I wanted to say hello and see how he was doing. We exchanged emails for a few weeks and I had written that I was struggling with my depression. He told me about church, not his church, but church and how finding one will be beneficial to me. I told him I'd love to meet him for coffee or lunch at his favorite restaurant and he told me I could meet him at his church on an upcoming Tuesday during a veteran meet and greet he helps with. The church is right next to the VA hospital and being a veteran, he is trying to help other veterans get to know God or just have someone to talk to. My anxiety was at an all-time high and I almost cancelled. I was going to send him an email and I thought, "I can't cancel on Charles!" I felt like he deserved my time. Plus he wanted me to meet the associate pastor. So I went.

And a few life altering things, emotionally and mentally, have happened since. That I will post separately. I am unsure and hopeful and afraid all at the same time. My head feels foggy but crystal-clear too. I feel like this is God. Like my name has reached the top of His list. I have this overwhelming feeling like I have to make a choice. But I think I just need to let things happen, because they're happening. Don't fight it or force it, Jesus take the wheel.

I never understood the "fear of God" concept. Like how can you fear God? And why would He want you to? But I think I get it.

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