Sunday, April 2, 2017

Baby Reservations Swiftly Interrupted

I'm having baby reservations. Last week I was saying that if I never had a child it would be my biggest, most sorrowful regret. But I'm nearing the "now or never" age and I'm finding myself not ready. 

I'm still healing emotionally and mentally, my book is underway, and I depend on excessive sleep most weekends. Feeling depressed or "blah"? Stay in bed. Tired or feeling lazy? Stay in bed. I like the option of being bored. I like not going to the grocery store or washing laundry for no other reason than "I don't feel like it." 

I don't want to wreck my body for two years after just getting back on track with my weight and fitness. Mastitis sealed the deal. I read about it on a friend's blog, and according to my follow-up research on Google most women who breastfeed experience mastitis. I don't want mastitis. I'm fearful of postpartum depression. If anyone is going to get slapped with an additional layer of depression it will be me. 

I made such poor choices for so many years and I put myself here, the "now or never" age. And, I have to get my weight down before getting pregnant, an agreement that my husband and I made and a decision most any doctor would support. It's like my marriage. Until I got my debt under control, my husband would not marry me. So because of bad life choices, my wedding age was delayed. The wedding delay added to the baby age delay. Now my weight is further adding to the baby delay. And now I'm not even sure I deserve to be a mom, or have what it takes to be a mom, or can guarantee I will not bring any mothering baggage to my own child. 

God, I need relief from this swift sadness that has just entered my body. I don't even care about sorting out the mom vs. no mom decision. I just don't want to be sad because I have too much activity in my life right now. I cannot be bound by tears or regret or brokenness. I need to be free.

No comments:

Post a Comment