Wednesday, May 4, 2016

When you take Vyvanse at midnight

this happens.

Yes, I'm still struggling with taking my ADHD medicines as prescribed. Addiction? Not sure. Bad judgement? For sure.

I was thinking yesterday that when it comes time to have a baby, during my pregnancy I can't be doing this, taking a larger dose than I'm supposed to. Then I asked myself, "Can I do it? Are my actions automatically geared toward what is best for the baby?"

Several years back when I was attending addiction meetings because my life was spiraling out of control, the instructor told me one day, "Addicts think that if one is good, two must be better." He hit it right on. I definitely have that frame of mind. Maybe I'm not an addict, but I have addictive tendencies and an addictive personality for sure.

I talked to my husband several months back, before he was my husband, about my struggle. I felt like I got no support. Just a barrage of accusing questions from someone who definitely doesn't think "two is better." I also talked to my doctor, who then started restricting the number of days until I could refill my medications. But that didn't help. I just ran out faster and had to suffer through days without it at all. I haven't talked to Doctor or Husband since then.

So that leaves me here. Talking to the world at 2 a.m. when I have to get up and be a responsible "one is enough" adult. I'll get through the day on double or triple my prescription, only to do it all over again tomorrow.

Maybe this is larger than a "personality" trait.

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