Friday, March 4, 2016

When You Have No Friends

I look around me, and I see no friends. No shopping buddies, coffee dates or spa partners. I have my husband, yes, but every girl needs at least one friend.

My friendlessness is due to two main reasons: I sabotaged the relationships I did have, and I isolate myself from others.

I had a great group of friends in high school. Messed that up. It was all over a project about Julia Butterfly. My mother was in my ear the night before. "Amy isn't helping on this project at all. You're doing all the work." So the next day, minutes before my friend's and I presentation was to begin, I told my teacher just that. My friend wasn't allowed to present with me, and she was turned to the side not making eye contact while I nailed the presentation.

This didn't go over well with the other girls in the group, who had been friends since childhood. So, all of our fun, crazy times were washed down the drain. I spent the rest of my senior year eating my lunch in a bathroom stall because I had no one to sit with. No senior year parties or pictures. I ruined a good thing over a mean act.

Fast forward to college. More sabotage. I lost a really, really great friend and I can't remember why. My group of friends toward the end of college were all friends with my ex, so when we broke up, so did our friendships.

I'm scared to make friends, to meet up with my husband's coworkers, all who have wives I could socialize with. I'm insecure, especially now because of my weight. At least now I have a reason behind saying "no" to social gatherings.

So I lay in bed at 2 a.m. thinking about my friendless life, and I'm sad. Sad but scared to take steps toward meeting new people. Even if I did, everyone already has their core group of friends. It would take a lot of energy to become part of a group, energy I don't have and don't want to invest.

So, why bother?

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