Thursday, February 11, 2016

Lent as I know it this year

I was originally going to share with you some frustrations and uncomfortable emotions I started experiencing while reading Surviving a Borderline Parent. But I came across something, a past post of mine, and it seems more important to share.

The most read post of the month: I was so, very moved by my own words. Such strength and wisdom I was experiencing...but 4 years ago. After feeling so close with God, and knowing the feeling of being so close, I now experience such distance, the longing to strengthen my relationship with Him, but almost paralyzed to do so. What is stopping me? 

I'm one of those "just do it" people. I'm scared, anxious, dreading, unsure. Then I just do it, and it's not so bad, often it's life changing. Working out, praying, practicing Community. But oh so far I find myself, scared to move. But move I must. I'm becoming more unhappy everyday. But not the depressed unhappy I used to feel. I'm happy, but with this darkness hovering over me. I feel weighed down -- am weighed down, physically and emotionally. My external self is a reflection of my internal self. I've stopped wearing makeup. Stopped dressing "cute." Stopped exercising. I just need to start. 

I think one thing that is keeping me from starting is this: if I start, then that is admitting that something is "wrong" or defective with me. It means I am flawed and change is necessary. I am unsure if I am up for the challenge of change, which paralyzes me even more. Stopping hurts my soul. If I don't start, I can't stop. Hence, I carry on this lifestyle I've become accustomed to living. I'm "safe" in this unhappiness.

But what made me get on my computer at 3a.m. to blog. And what made me check my stats and then go on to read my top post, a post that has moved me to...bewilderment and wonder. I can only think of one, the One. He is speaking to me through my own words. Maybe that's the only way He knows I'll listen, what will move me to change, move me to Him.

Lent as I know it in 2016 is this: just begin.

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