Saturday, December 12, 2015

You are always enough.

I bought a journal off of Amazon with these words. My counselor and I are working on this concept - I'm good enough where I am. Sure, I could be better, healthier, skinnier. But that doesn't make me good. I am already good. Enough.

I haven't decided what I'm going to write in the journal. But I want it to be the journal I take with me everywhere, jotting down random notes at the drop of a hat as soon as a person or thing moves me, inspires me, gives me some sort of idea worth writing down. And I want to fill up this journal, and another and another so that my grandchildren and great-grandchildren can read my inner most thoughts, understand the real grandma. Many great writers do this same thing, carrying around a notebook or journal of some sorts. About writing...

I have a short list of items that if I don't do I'll regret. I just know that when I'm whatever age God decides to bring me to His home, some of my last thoughts will be that I wish I would have at least pursued these things. Here they are:

-Learn to play the piano
-Become a Marine Biologist
-Publish a book

That song "I've got hiiiigh hopes" just popped into my head. Piano - that's not easy per say, but it's within reach. The other two will take who knows how much sacrifice and effort...but won't it be worth it?

I expressed my dolphin dreams with my husband of one month and he wasn't opposed to it. He simply asked, "Then why don't you?" Damn his insight. Taking out student loans, or maybe taking as many classes as I can afford will be a challenge, either way. But I remember my great-grandmother saying shortly before she passed away, "I thought you were going to go out and save the dolphins!" Even as a kid I talked of this dream. And all it took was making a D in Intro to Botany my freshman year in college to compromise this dream and send me off in a different career direction. Who doesn't make a D in that class? With all this being said...

Where do I start? Piano because it's easiest? Or do I eat my frog as Brian Tracy says, tackling the most difficult item first? And then there's the whole being a mom thing. I do want to have a child, just one, and I am past 30...a high risk pregnancy is just around the corner. But a kid isn't on my agenda. Do I focus on what's on my agenda now, or do I need to look ahead to 2-5 years from now (not exactly sure just when we want to bring another human into this world) and take those desires into account?

There's only one solution I can think of...pray about it. But then there's God. He feels so far away. I once read that God is as close as you want Him to be. He's there, waiting. When people say "pray about it" I get what their saying, but I've never had the experience of God truly talking to me. But I haven't exactly done my part of the conversation either. So, I'm going to try.

I'll let you know the outcome. Until then...I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like Me! -- Stuart Smalley (and my counselor).

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