Sunday, October 4, 2015

Counseling Session: Timeline

"Would you be comfortable writing a timeline of significant events in your life?" -- Counselor.
"Sure. Is it good things or bad things?" -- Me.
"It can be either." -- Counselor.

I tell her that even good memories have something bad tied to it. Fun times with friends in high school brings back memories of losing those friends because of the emotional roller coaster I was on. Drunken nights. Fights. This continued well into college, and even bouts of this post-college. Embarrassing.

College graduation. A good memory, right? Still bad is tied to it. Graduated with my fiance, who just a few months later became my ex under terrible circumstances.

With the good always comes bad. A lot of bad. This is my timeline. I'm not trying to sound tragic or pitiful or gain pity. This is just my timeline. So, I can't change the little marks and scribbles of my past on that legal-sized document, but I can change how I remember those tick marks. Not naturally, of course. This will take effort. Once again, my life journey will take effort.

Okay, this may sound really cheesy but I just had this thought - I can't right my wrongs, but I can write my wrongs. Meaning, I can't go back. I can't make things right. But I can write them, shape them how I want to remember them, just like I'm doing now.

This lady I work with was walking next door to this deli next to our building one morning at work, and I offered to walk with her. I actually bombarded her and said I'd go with her, but I'm sure she didn't mind. She has given me advice on God and marriage, and I feel a connection with her, like I just want her to talk to me and tell me everything she knows. Well on the way back to our building, we were talking about God and how I feel like I'm slipping backwards and have been ever since I was baptized. I don't know what was said to lead this woman to say this, but she said, "And I've been through a lot. A whole, whole lot." I thought better and didn't ask her what, even though this statement made me so curious and sad. Is this where her wisdom and relationship with God comes from? I picture her timeline with a painful experience, and right next to that experience is when she found Christ. Another painful experience is coupled with meeting her husband. And maybe I'm even on her timeline somehow, because this conversation with her is a mark I'll make on my own timeline.

I've gotten knocked down so many times, and most of the time is was because of me. Choices I made, people I chose to have in my life, actions I took with those people. But, I always get back up. It's almost like I knock myself down just to see how strong I am, just to see how good my next comeback will be. Talk about exhausting.

Exciting things are going on around me, and it is really bringing out my anxiety. It feels like all these good things that involve me are circling around me and I'm not actually a part of them, just viewing them as an outsider. I'm definitely going to talk to my doctor and counselor about these feelings, but in the meantime, I must make some kind of change so that I can experience life and not just watch it go on around me. I want to talk to my fiance about this, but he doesn't always have the best advice or know the right things to say. He's a man and an engineer - sweet talk isn't his strong suit. But I'm anxious to tell someone this feeling of watching life happen to me, so I'll give it a shot.

My timeline is slowly developing. During my last two counseling sessions we worked on it, and it's coming together. I'm not sure how far we'll go with filling in the spaces around the parallel line of eternity, but for now I'm going to focus on writing my memories.


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