Friday, May 22, 2015

The Core

I wasn't sure what I wanted to blog about, I just knew I wanted to write. So here goes.

Reading this blog is kind of neat -- it's like a not-so-secret diary where I can voice my opinions, put my fear into words, type out the negativity that exists in my mind.

I had an exceptionally difficult counseling appointment yesterday. I am still unsure if I want to share the topic of the session -- it is filled with shame and regret. My counselor wants to remove some of the shame I hold. She said if she had a million dollars in her purse, she would be happy about that. It would be a good thing in her life. But she wouldn't tell everyone or certain people about the money in her purse because they could do her harm or have ill-intentions. So instead of looking at my circumstance as a shameful secret, view it as a part of my life I am protecting.

She also had me do an exercise before I left the appointment. She didn't want me to leave carrying all of the emotional weight I had conjured up during our session. So she gave me a slip of paper and told me to write a word that I associate with my circumstance. After writing that word, I put the slip of paper in a small wooden box, essentially to "hold" my thoughts and emotions. If I begin to get anxious or sad about what we talked about, I can remember that I am free and I can address my emotions and the "thing" when I return next week.

She then explained some things that we were going to do in future sessions to help me work through the pain I am experiencing due to this thing in question. I began to cry again because the exercises sounded so painful. They will definitely reach to my core and take me to a place I have yet to explore. It's the place where the pain lies, I can feel it and I carry it with me and it exists in every relationship, conversation, action, and thought. It is alive, but I've never faced it, never looked at it head on. This pain I will face stems from other painful memories and experiences, it is an extension upon extension upon extension. Healing will occur as I sever these extensions one by one. Then, the core will be exposed.

I do believe there is one central place or point of pain. I don't know if it's an experience, a reoccurring thought, the small self imitating what I think to be true...I don't know. But I'm seeing my pain as being very real and very much alive, with energy sources that it needs to survive. I am feeding those sources. My life is a grocery store of the food my pain needs to survive. I feel very ready to shut this operation down, I feel powerful as I type these words. I'm ready to heal.

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