Thursday, April 16, 2015

Midnight Type: The Mental Health Stigma

Let me start by saying that this post is my simple thoughts and personal experience and not meant to be a research essay or psychology correct. It's just me and the keyboard.

I've had a couple breakdowns that my boss witnessed and was told about (by me). Talked to her privately and showed my mental weakness. I am regretting this decision.

You never show weakness, especially at work and especially to your boss and even more especially when it involves your mental health. Ugh.

I feel I've lost her respect and faith in me, lost any view she had of me as a strong professional in control. I am now regretting and feeling ostracized and on the "outs" with her.

Mental health is just misunderstood if understood at all unless you've experienced it first hand. Again, this is my opinion. No one "gets" depression. No one "gets" night terrors and panic attacks. Unless you've had them.

Even coworkers. Other females I thought I could confide in, I am regretting doing so for all the same reasons as my boss. And part of me just wants to say "fuck it."

I am in the beginning stages of looking for another job. I am not doing what I was told I'd be doing. Everyone from the top to the bottom is resigning. They know something I do not, but I was told to "get out now." So I am.

Still, part of me knows this job hunting has something to do with my regrets, my weakness shown, my reputation shot. Part of me just knows. Because that's what I do. I fuck up what's important then run to the hills for a fresh start.

I'm tired now, literally and in aspect to this mental health struggle of mine. Sure, I'm strides ahead to where I once was, with hope and even bouts of excitement about my life and life in general. But still, the regrets of showing my weakness remain, with the "old" Klately peeking her head over the fence into this new home I've built.

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