Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Midnight Type: Truths and Troubles

It's midnight and I can't sleep. I have a lot on my mind and drugs (prescribed) in my body so I'm just going to ramble. Not every post has to be eloquent, right?

My sister is getting married to a man she's only known 6 months and who has a criminal record dating back to 2008. He has been arrested and in prison every year. My sister has 3 kids, daughters, by 2 different men, and I suspect she may possibly be pregnant again. Why rush to the alter? "We want to do everything in the right order, to live right by God," she says. He's a newfound believer, a changed man he tells the family. Well, tells my dad and stepmom because they are the only ones who have ever met him as well as my other sister and brother-in-law. Met 6 months ago, engaged for 1 week, marriage this Friday.

I worry for her and her kids. They've moved from apartment to apartment every year, from boyfriend to boyfriend. It reminds me so much of my childhood. It's like their lives are being determined as I write. At least now, and for the next several years until, hopefully, they realize there's more to life than your mother's fucked up problems. I've been in and out of counseling, on and off medication my whole life, due to trauma and neglect as a child. It's apparent my fears and worries for my nieces stem from my personal experiences.

I, too, went from boyfriend to boyfriend, apartment to apartment, city to city for quite some time. Part of me was "living it up" while the other part of me was dying. Drinking, drugs, and datiing make one hell of a mix. But I've grown. Stabilized. I still stumble, fall face down sometimes. But it's temporary and not disabling as it once was. But still, I fall. I hate that I fall.

Fall means fail in my book. And the thought of failing at anything, especially now that the stakes are so high - successful career, soon-to-be Mrs., and my progress. It's almost like I'm a recovering addict. My stability is my sobriety. And maybe a little bit of actual recovery from addiction - alcohol, men, self-sabotage and anger. I've made progress. I hope my nieces will progress and free themselves of their circumstance. Your life is not defined by circumstance. Persistence, forgiveness, patience, unconditional love for yourself, your whole self -- this is my life experience.

I've been thinking of people from my past who I have hurt, who I have let down. Particularly beach boy. I really loved him. Maybe it was artificial and fairytale-ish, but I felt real love. And a night of heavy drinking and my small self showing it's ugly face ruined it. Everything happens the way it should, in the order it should as determined by God. I'm supposed to be here, but still, my hurting heart hurt others. I'm thinking of my nieces and long ago classmates -- all I can do is pray and hope that is why they are in my thoughts. Maybe it's my progress taking me back, not in a bad way but taking me back to times that have since past, people I have come across, and who made some sort of impression on me -- it's this impression I need to figure out. Why is the red headed boy who's mom was my English teacher in third grade in my head? His name was Andy. And Andrew whose dad was a dentist and would visit our classroom and give us floss and those chewy red pills that showed if you had cavities. Stuart Little for goodness's sakes -- I'm thinking of Stuart Little -- not even a real man! But I do know why -- Mrs. Gordon gave me an old copy of Stuart Little in first grade and wrote "Keep on reading!" I haven't let her down.

Then there's -- dun dun dun -- my mother. She's falling fast and hard and alone, with no one to keep her company except her small self and her dog Bandit. She has pushed away her three daughters, lost her home, and is living alone in an apartment -- just as her mother did, and her mother's mother. I have broken the curse, as has my youngest sister. But this middle sister is following in her footsteps faster than she can run. But my nieces, those three little girls, so impressionable and vulnerable. Will they break the curse of the one who has not broken her own?

This is my truth. My life as I live it now.

May you live your own truth well.


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