Thursday, December 25, 2014

Steps in All Directons

Sometimes I feel like I take 10 steps forward and then 2 steps back. And while I'm still moving forward and making progress, it's those 2 steps that hold so much pain and anger and frustration. Recently it affected my job - a fear I've had for quite some time. Just no motivation or sense of importance or urgency with my projects. Leaving early or working from home when my boss was out. Just blah. Blah means so many things and is a perfect explanation of my feelings.

I'm going to counseling and I think this is stirring up some long-covered dirt. Counseling is tough. Sometimes I enjoy it, I go into a session with enthusiasm. But sometimes I get bored, even sleepy and antsy for my session to end.

I'm so tired of this "sometimes" business. Can't I please be "all the time", steady in my emotions and experiences? That's not too much to ask or desire or seek. I want these 2 steps to dissolve. To end. Sure,  it used to be 2 forward and 3 back, and slowly the ratio of steps forward was in my favor. Even still, any step backward is frustrating. I fear I'll snap. And recently I have. By the grace of God, I have the most forgiving man I could ever need in my struggles and journey to a better life that has to exist. It just has to get better than this. There has to be more joy, more creativity, more stability. If there isn't, what's the damn point in all of this work?

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