Friday, December 19, 2014

Got Anger?

I had a revelation in a counseling session a couple weeks ago. For the first time, my counselor did the EMDR method. It was odd at first but I enjoyed it.

She gave me a week to think of a very painful event in my life. In all honesty, I had a hard time deciding which event to pick. I have so many bad memories of my childhood. I get sad when I think about it.

So, the event I chose was when I was in 5th grade. Me, my two sisters and my mom were living in this cramped two-bedroom apartment. I didn't have my own room or even share a room with a sibling. I had to share a room with my mom. Talk about friggin' awkward. There was never any privacy and I never could escape her. So the event goes like this: I have my friend Kristi over for a sleep over. It's the next morning and me and Kristi are watching television. The remote control was next to my mom on the kitchen table. I apparently responded to my mother about something, I don't remember what, in a way that she didn't like. She threw the controller at me and it landed right next to me. I picked it up and pushed it away, and all hell broke loose.

She was yelling at me, in front of my friend that I'm ungrateful and selfish and she knows I'm mad because my dad wasn't around. This goes on and I begin crying,  all while my poor friend has to listen to my mother belittle me. What could I possibly said to instigate this behavior on her part? I really wish I could remember. I don't know how this event ended. Did my friend have a parent pick her up? Did we take her home? Did she walk home? I don't remember that either.

So during this EMDR session, we go through this event like it's a scene that I am a part of and we go through it layer by layer. Sights, sounds, feelings, thoughts, what did I feel looking back on it, what do I feel now as I remember it. Just broke that shit down to its bones. As we are talking, I have a buzzer in each hand, and they each vibrate at different times, lengths, and intensities. It's odd but soothing at the same time.

As we walk through this event, I get in touch at how angry I am. I always thought I was sad and depressed which I am, but anger? I never thought of myself as an angry person. But it was there and I wanted to say awful (yet true) things to her. I pictured myself as this large shadow with teeth looming over her just yelling nasty truths of who she was. I was angry.

Now that I know I hold so much anger inside, I'm curious as to how this revelation will affect me. Will I become less angry? Will I find more anger? Will I discover more emotions I didn't know I held inside? Likely a combination of each. But I do know I want to try this EMDR method again.

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