Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Woes of Adderall

So I did talk with my counselor about my adderall concerns, but I did not spill it all. I told her I was concerned I was becoming too dependent on it and was worried because I had problems with abusing it in college. At one point she said something to the effect of, "You'll start labeling yourself as an addict and then anytime you take it you'll feel a sense of guilt, and you'll start believing you have a problem which could actually lead to you having a problem." She said it more eloquently and professional and counselor-esk, but you get the idea.

Last night at 1 a.m. like clockwork I woke up and decided I was going to take an adderall and blog. The problem was my medicine was in my car which was in the garage because I left it there after running 9 miles after work. I contemplated going out to get it, but decided the inconvenience overruled the desire. Instead, I took an anxiety pill, which I am prescribed to take at night if needed, closed my eyes and calmed my mind myself, and eventually fell back asleep.

I have to be honest, today has been a struggle with it. I know there are steps I can take to help me deal with this current tug-and-pull I am experiencing. Not going outside to get my medicine is proof that I have the willpower and laziness to say no. I can keep my medicine in my car at night, and not bring it with me to work. These are helpful, but isn't this doing what my counselor was referring to -- treating myself as if I have a problem -- or am I finding tools to help me prevent a problem that is actually developing? I am interested to hear what my prescribing doctor thinks -- talking to him will take courage because he can simply stop prescribing the adderall, which I don't want to happen. Is this because it actually helps me, because I think it helps me, because I have a problem that convinces me that it's helping, a combination of the above, or something else I haven't yet realized? One thing is certain -- I am spending a lot of energy on contemplating this.

What do you think of all of this?

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