Monday, November 24, 2014

Solitary Living

"Do you feel like we had a bad weekend?"
"No. Do you?"
"Yes."
Great. I'm a bad fiancée. I'm a bad person. I'm incapable of making anyone happy. Of course these are the things that began running through my head when I heard the word "yes."

I can't play dumb. I knew what he was talking about. I took my medicine and completely zoned out for a few hours while I crafted. Then I worked on a calendar I am creating online for a couple more hours. We hardly spoke. I hardly spoke. I wanted alone time. "Me time." Looking back, I see that this was a little selfish, but during those hours I wanted to be selfish. I did feel a few moments of guilt but I quickly got back to work.

The thing about it is if he wants to go golfing or work on this project with coworkers, I act like a brat and try to make him feel bad for leaving me because "we only have the weekends to spend with each other." And then the weekend comes and I want to be left alone. I want to stay home, watch television, read, craft -- all solitary activities.

Is this my depression creeping into my days? What does it mean to want to "be by myself" while being in close proximity to my fiancée? Simply, I don't know.

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