Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Room For Such

I've been waking up around 12:30/1:00 in the a.m. the past few nights. And not a groggy waking up. A full on alert, ready to do something waking up. So I've taken an adderall because it calms my mind, and I'll write or play a game on my phone or just lay on the couch and think and eventually I'll fall back asleep.

I know this is not how my medicine is prescribed and I don't want to take myself to the path I was on in college when I was taking 10, yes t-e-n, adderall a day. I feel it is a good idea to talk to my doctor about this because it would keep me honest, but I don't want him to take it away. Maybe there's a sleep medicine he could prescribe, or increase my anxiety medicine I am already taking. He'll know what's best.

I know I am not the only person taking antidepressants, antianxiety and ADHD medicine, and I can't possibly be the only one on this combination of drugs. There's hope in not being alone in this. But I do feel alone. I feel there are only two places I could open up about this - with my doctor and with my counselor. But part of me is afraid that a solution would be to stop taking the adderall, certainly at one in the morning, and possibly altogether. I believe this worrying is the addiction side of me.

Is this the beginning of a possible bad situation, where I slowly become more dependent on adderall? Is this a bad dependency or a natural dependency because of the nature of the drug? The more I think on this the more I'm led to talk with my doctor. I trust him and his judgement and I feel he genuinely wants what is best for me.

There is a lot to lose if I go down the wrong path. I'm in a good place. I have a well-paid job, a new house, a wedding I'm planning -- is taking adderall at one in the morning the start of risking it all?

I was leary to post this -- addiction is such a dirty little secret. But sharing this part of my journey is part of my journey. This is my truth, a struggle I am experiencing. This makes me human. In an odd way, I feel grounded by this struggle. I'm humbled. I'm vulnerable. But it is in this vulnerability that there is room for something new.

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