Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Emotional Justice

Last night I really opened up to my fiancé about my family issues/troubles /catastrophe - whatever you want to call it. As we were winding down for the night I said “I love you”, very enthusiastically I might add. He asked why and one of my reasons I stated was that I could tell him anything. Big mistake. He replied with “not anything.” And I said “what?” knowing exactly what he was talking about, but who knew, maybe I’d get off lucky. He said, “Your family and why there is a divide. Your mother.” Oh the all elusive M word.

I don't really want to go into all that I told him, at least not in this post. But I found myself trying to state my case as to why I have no contact with her. And it wasn't just for him, it was for myself as well, as if what I know and experience isn't enough, as if counseling and antidepressants aren't enough reasons for my pain and decision. I found myself begging for understanding and emotional justice that would come only from him "getting it". Why isn't my truth enough? Why isn't that sad child I carry with me enough of a reason to live a life separate of my mother? A part of me feels like a bad daughter while the other is pissed as hell at how damaged I am emotionally and mentally.

When I think back on Beverly Engel's "Healing Your Emotional Self", she didn't write that book for bad daughters everywhere. I feel like if this were my father we were talking about (which, is a whole other story in itself) that it would be more acceptable to have cut ties. Absent fathers are common these days, but how common are absent mothers? Apparently common enough for Engel to write a book, a book that I delved into, heart first with no idea at the impact her words would make on me. That book did give me some emotional justice.

But I need more, so I can finally feel like my estrangement (God, I hate that word) is acceptable.

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