Thursday, December 26, 2013

Belonging

It's the grown-up things that scare me the most.

Buying a house, planning a wedding, getting out of bed in the mornings. All are on the same scale of "how the hell am I going to do this today?" I am now engaged -- no longer the damaged person I thought no one would want. He proved me wrong; now I'm just working on believing it.

We are building a house, making a home. Home. I feel at home in our 800 sq. ft. apartment. It's safe and warm and the same place I come home to day after day. We will have triple the living space by next May, a blessing I know I need to appreciate and be thankful for each day. I grew up moving from apartment to apartment, changed schools so many times. I'm moving deeper into stability, still not so sure how all of my baggage will fit.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve all this. I don't deserve this ring on my hand and the guy who comes with it. I don't deserve a home and a good job. Shouldn't I be stuck in the same circle as my mother?

So here I am, in a good place but wondering if I belong. When will I feel it? When will my surroundings match the thoughts running through my head? When will I know I belong where I am and I am where I belong?

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