Wednesday, August 22, 2012

God is good when life is bad.

This post began "In the past week, every aspect of my life has experienced problems."  After I wrote the proceeding paragraphs I realized that this just isn't the case.  I've yet to think of something good (and accurate).

I'll start with the real doozie.  Family.  Not that this is anything new, but it still hurts when I see and feel things just aren't right.  Recent events have brought about my feeling excluded and judged.  My boyfriend is encouraging me to have a sit down with my dad, but I decided that, for now, I am taking a break from my family.  And when I say "for now", I mean today.  I have no thoughts about my temporary absence past today.  I guess you could say I'm just kind of fed up.  Mistakes from years past are still mentioned and used to "make points" about whatever "point" is trying to be made at the time about my faults, downfalls, shortcomings, etc.  I am working to move forward from a past I am not proud of, and it's time that my family does, too. 

My temporary absence got me thinking.  It's been just over 4 years since I've stopped all communication with my mother.  On the outside I feel like it looks like a long-standing grudge or misunderstanding, but underneath, I know it is more complicated.  She is a toxic person and my healing does not involve her in my life.  And from the ripples I hear about that she makes with my sisters, her toxicity isn't changing any.time.soon.  I took a break a handful of months ago from my childhood healing books, but as I type, I feel ready to pick them back up.  Well, maybe not ready.  But definitely needed.  The only vindication from my childhood that I've ever received comes from these books and my counselor.  Why is it so hard for others to understand the lasting affect of childhood abuse?  And, why is it so hard for people, my mother included, to understand that abuse comes in many forms?  You don't have to get a black eye to be hurt.

The other probs are just I-can't-catch-a-break type things.  A couple days ago I thought my world was falling apart...now some time has gone by, I've gotten some sleep, and I see that it's not the end of the world.  Does it still suck?  Like you wouldn't believe.  But in the grand scheme of things...meh.

Today was the first day that I felt calm.  Like calm in my spirit.  During my week long crisis, I came across things that lifted me up and inspired me to keep going.  The songs I've listened to and the current book I'm reading, Change of Heart by Jodi Picoult have provided little chicken nuggets of strength.  And...drum roll...I met Lisa Wingate on Monday.  LISA WINGATE!  I can hear God saying, "See!  I have great plans for you!"

My progress is obvious in how I went about life during my difficult week.  Did I miss work?  No.  Was I late to work?  No.  Did I look my best everyday?  No.  But I showed up, I met my expectations and responsibilities, and I went home where I dealt with my emotions in private.  I hate to say that Mr. P got the brunt of my troubles, but he is understanding and a great source of strength and clarity.

Things aren't perfect, and it's nice to know that I've reached a point where I can see the good amidst the bad.  Now, as far as my key opening line to this post, I think coming down to earth and handling serious issues with prayer, quiet time, and doing things I enjoy says more than anything I could come up with.

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