Sunday, July 15, 2012

In Good Company

We're kind of all in this life thing together.

Yesterday's counseling session was a breath of fresh air.  Clean, I'm-not-so-crazy-damaged-afterall, fresh air.  I scheduled the appointment after my last session three weeks ago, paid for it in advance, and I didn't cancel, reschedule, or debate whether or not I wanted/needed/had to go or not.  What is happening to me?

We were talking about the possibility of my boyfriend attending an appointment with me, and I was asking her about the process and how much time in advance she would need to know if he was coming and it all seemed like such a big deal to me.  And she's like, "You can email me that day or text when you're on your way or if you don't get a chance to let me know it's fine."  So then I ask, "Do you get nervous before your appointments?"

So often it's the fleeting one-liners during a counseling session that have made the biggest impression on my way of thinking.

Such a one-liner floated through the sky after yesterday's session as my counselor and I were both leaving her office.  We were crossing the street together and I told her that a new friend at work, a.k.a. HR Girl, was helping me find doctors that are in our health insurance network.  I told her I was worried that somehow my looking for a psychiatrist would get around the office.  As sweet and nice and fun as this girl is, I've also heard her spill the business about a few people, co-workers and complete strangers.  We had reached our cars and, as only a mother of three could do gracefully, fumbling with her keys while trying to balance a big bag on her shoulder and a cup of water in her hand, she matter-of-factly replied, "All my friends have psychiatrists."  And I just stopped and smiled slightly before getting into my car.  It was such a simple, honest statement made during an honest moment of balancing work and family and an oversized, cloth white bag.  She wasn't trying to comfort me or convince me otherwise, she was just living and thinking and talking.  It was an organic, "wow" moment for me.

You can judge and point the finger and assume what you want about my "situation", but at the end of the day, it's you that you go home to and it's you that you have to make peace with.  And when I say you, I am also refering to me.  I came across a quote a handful of weeks ago and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.  I think of it often when I find myself critisizing someone or judging them or telling myself what think they should be doing.  "Don't judge me because I don't sin like you."

We are all living on this world together. We work together and breathe together and sin together. Our lives are up and down with secrets and crosses too difficult to bear. It's so easy to point the finger or pass along a piece of juicy gossip to put ourselves in a winning, less vulnerable position. But I have to be authentic. I need to be able to accept help when it is offered. And if somehow my struggles or medical treatments reach the ears of someone else, I'll just say, "All my friends have psychiatrists."

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