Monday, May 14, 2012

Indefinitely Searching

I look around and see no long-familiar faces;  I have caused pain or difficulty to just about every person I've been in a relationship with -- beginning in middle school.  At the moment, the person who has known me the longest (two years) is my counselor, and I pay her.  The consequences of my actions over the past two decades are blindingly clear to me -- I have no close friends.

Lately, I've been feeling the need to apologize to those good friends of the past whom I have wronged.  I am unsure if this is for self-satisfying, self-gratifying reasons.  What I do know for certain is that no one is waiting for an apology from me and no one's life will be better because of one.  Still, I want to tell the friends I've hurt that I miss them.  I miss their friendship.  I was in a really bad place; I was hurting so deeply inside and I wanted to hurt others.  Some of it wasn't intentional, but a lot of it was.

I feel ashamed and lonely for the mistakes and poor choices I have made -- the words and actions that have caused others pain and myself regret and embarrassment.  The place I am at now -- looking back -- who was that girl?  If someone were asked, "What do you think of that Kristin person?", I fear the response would be just as I knew it would be.

My faith tells me to seek forgiveness from God, and I have.  At least I've tried.  But deep down at my core, I don't think I am forgivable.  How can I ask for something I don't think I deserve?  My faith tells me that I don't deserve forgiveness -- no one deserves any of the things God has for us.  He forgives us because He loves us unconditionally.  When I hear and read such words, I am numb.  It hurts me to say that these beliefs I should hold inside are just words -- there is no meaning, no acceptance on my part.  How I want to believe I am loved no matter what I do or don't do!  How I want to believe that I am an amazing creature from the deepest part of my being!

I read.  I write.  I pray.  I cry from loneliness.  I fear I am damaged (like actually).  My life is okay -- each day rarely brings complaints -- but I worry this is it.  I know there is another way of living, a different way of being and existing that I want to possess -- there has to be.  This life is too blah to be all that there is.

But what is it?  I know I want it and I know I don't have it, but I don't know what it is.  And if it is anything like forgiveness, then I don't even think I should have it in the first place.

Where do I start?

Where do I stop?

Where are the things God promised?

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