Friday, April 27, 2012

Crossroads

A blank screen.  Why is this so intimidating?  What about this brings on exhaustion and doubt before any effort has begun?  It seems the opposite should occur -- excitement and readiness for the opportunities that await.  A blank screen means endless possibilities.  A blank screen equals freedom -- to create, to vent, to teach, to learn.

I am at an odd crossroads on my journey to healing.  I suppose it's more accurate to say my journey through healing -- healing isn't a destination; it's a process, a lifelong process which never ends, can never be completed entirely.  This crossroads I speak of?  I'm okay.  I'm still searching, of course.  Aren't we all?  But overall, I am feeling calm, better.  My journey must continue, I want to continue -- but where do I go now?

With every psychotherapy and inspirational fiction book I read, with every Bible verse that moves me, with every worship service and counseling session I attend, another tiny piece of me is made whole.  My authentic self is a mosaic, and my progress has assembled enough pieces together that I am able to see the full picture developing.  I can make out the shadows and shapes, the shades of color and expression.  But there are still many pieces, chunks even, that are missing, pieces that I am moved to uncover and understand.  But in which direction do I go?

I know it's deeper and within minute passages that are barely maneuverable.  I know pain and non-truth exist there.  I know I am afraid but curious to traverse the jagged and dark terrain.  But what will take me there?  What will deliver me to the entrance of the unknown that I am ready to discover?

More counseling?  More reading?  More writing?  More praying?  Is it more of what I am already doing, or is it something completely new I must add to my healing regime?  Could it be a new way of doing what I am already doing?

This is the crossroads I am at -- unsure of where to go next, but more ready than ever to just go. 

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