Thursday, November 3, 2011

When A Soul Awakens: Let It Lead

In the days leading up to the workshop, I considered reasons why I really shouldn't go.  The money.  Not seeing Mr. P for the weekend.  The money.  Being outside all day.  But behind all of these reasons/excuses, was simply, fear.  Fear of crying in front of other people.  Fear of what might come out that would cause me to cry in front of other people.  I was just plain scared. 

I remembered a quote by Joyce Meyer that she says often - "You're just going to have to do it afraid."  Mr. P assured me this was something I should do if I believed it was going to help me.  And I believed.  So I put my fears to rest, at least temporarily, and decided I was going to do it.  Afraid, sweaty, and broke - I was going to do it.

My alarm sounded at 6am on the morning of Sunday, October 23rd.  As soon as I woke up, I had the initial thoughts about how tired and sore I was from working out and how much I really just wanted to go back to sleep.  But I knew if I went back to sleep, I wouldn't get back up, and this was an important day for me.  I was ready to face it. 

There was a calmness about me while I was getting ready - which is totally out of the norm.  I'm usually scattered and scrambling to find my left shoe, to tend to the needs of my dog, to fix my hair and face and shave.  But this morning, it was like I was doing everything in slow motion - planning in my mind the steps I was going to take and performing them at the same time.  It was like watching a slide show of my life - but it was happening right then; I was watching and doing in the same move. 

Before I left the house, I turned out the lights downstairs and standing there in the dark, I felt moved to pray.  Again, totally out of the norm.  I've been telling myself I need to pray, I want to pray, I should pray, but I've yet to pray.  But, I felt compelled to pray - as if there were no other choice for what I was to do at that very moment.  I prayed for God to open my heart to whatever he had in store for me, to soften me enough to let my guard down, to wash away my insecurities and fears so I may experience every moment and all it's worth. 

I felt an excitement walking out the front door, and I wondered why I don't feel like this every day, why I don't feel this same excitement and wonder on Monday and Tuesday, like the day is a gift to be unwrapped layer by layer, hour by hour.  I wondered if I would return to this house a different woman; same body but different soul, filled with a spirit never known.  I questioned and pondered.  And I knew.  I knew this day would be a day never before experienced, and never, ever forgotten. 

The drive was beautiful, and not just the part through the hill country.  The streets of my neighborhood, the early morning joggers, even the stray cat - all seemed so perfectly placed, so perfectly planned and amazing.  Once I reached the winding roads through the hill country, I rolled down my windows to let the morning dew cleanse my spirit.  As I neared the stable, I realized I had been preparing the entire drive, though a different kind of preparation.  A preparation which called for stillness, not action; preparation not to do, but to simply live.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Repeat.  My mind was quiet and my heart was ready.

I arrived at the stable very early.  I had taken all of the necessary steps to ensure I was not only on time, but ahead of "on time", something I rarely do on other days.  But that's why I was there; to find that place in my heart that views days as ordinary and unkind and let the spirit of peace soften this place to make all days new.  I sat in my car for a few minutes and journaled these very thoughts.  Then, I opened the door to the new day that was waiting to envelope me; hoping, knowing, and thankful for the renewed woman who would return in 9 hours.

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