Monday, October 17, 2011

Third Year's a Charm

I just spent the last two hours reading the last two years of my life.  And to summarize my findings, I have lived an incredibly inconsistent, discontent life with spurts of amazing people and events and endeavors that all ended for some reason or another.  The new year will be here quicker than I realize, and my blog will turn three years old.  I'm already asking myself, "What will I do with this year?"

I'm hoping the term "terrible twos" doesn't apply just to tots but extends to the blogosphere as well.  The last two years worth of blog posts have been unruly, confusing, ridden with temper tantrums and dirty diapers, late night screaming fits, and pure chaos.  I suppose I should say "the last two years worth of blog post content..." but that would require far too much introspection and self-reflection.

I kid. 

I am disheartened at how drastically the last two years of my life have changed, not just year to year, but week to week and even day to day.  I'm up.  I'm down.  I'm in love.  I'm lonely.  I'm progressing.  I'm digressing.  Polar opposites.  This concerns me for many reasons, most stemming from my being the product of a borderline mother, a personality disorder that can be passed on to sufferers' daughters. 

The "terrible twos" of my blogging frighteningly mirror the symptoms of a borderline person.  Conflict.  Extremes.  Fear.  Instability.  I do not want a borderline life!  And thus, my blog was born.

In January 2010, I began documenting my journey to a better life.  Reading, running, writing, praying -- these were a part of the "terrible twos" as well.  I'll call them "terrific twos".  Don't get me wrong, when reading about the "terrific twos", I feel proud and hopeful for my future.  But something about the "terrible twos" -- revisiting those dark days and weeks, I feel afraid.  I don't want to go back there. 

In this moment of fear and hope, I am reminded of the light that is born from darkness.  If not for the "terrible twos", the "terrific twos" would not exist.

We are never going to enjoy stability, we are never going to enjoy spiritual maturity until we learn how to do what’s right when it feels wrong, and every time you do what’s right by a decision of your will using discipline and self control to go beyond how you feel, the more painful it is in your flesh, the more you’re growing spiritually at that particular moment. --Joyce Meyer
I am going to view the extremes between terrific and terrible with this quote in mind.  The "terrific twos" were the times I chose to do what was right while exercising self control to feel pain in the flesh.  The "terrible twos", to save unnecessary typing, were the times I chose to do the exact opposite.  And looking back on the past two years, I have felt far more pain in my soul than in my flesh, and that is a clear change I must make.

Pain in the flesh means getting up every morning and running, whether tired, not feeling well, or unmotivated.  Pain in the flesh means going to church on Sundays to meet with other believers and worship God, whether tired, not feeling well, or unmotivated.  Pain in the flesh means joining and attending a women's Bible study to connect on a deeper level with like-minded women of faith, whether anxious, shameful, or depressed.  It is at these times I am choosing terrific over terrible

My hope for my blog's third year is that it will reflect a more stable, content, mature writer.  A writer who plans her script and acts it out accordingly, a writer who willfully lives out her days looking to serve and savor, a writer who forgives and forgets because she only has room for dreams and prayers and laughter.  My hope is to experience and document more terrific than terrible, not because terrible won't happen, but because terrific is my authentic core, my home base from which I navigate the world.

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