Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Didn't Last Long

I'm reminded of a passage in Good Hope Road when Jenilee says "...it's better to live never having seen the light at all."

Just as my small self expected.  Depressed.  Hopeless.  Tired.  It's getting pretty damn difficult to find my "authentic self" when Small Self turns out to be right more times than wrong.

I'm still taking my meds, but that "umph" that felt oh-so-wonderful is nowhere in sight.  Two weeks.  That's how long it lasted.  I feel terrible for months, and two weeks is all I got.

I ordered more books - two from Henri Nouwen: Making All Things New and Turn My Mourning into Dancing.  There's some kind of calm that enters my soul when I order books such as these.  It's a piece of hope being shipped to my home.  It's something to look forward to receiving, aside from more pain.

My counselor often asks, "Where's God in all of this?" This meaning the painful time I am experiencing at that moment.  Tonight, I'm asking myself the same question.  Where is God?  I have failed him, and part of me thinks he is failing me back.  Derserving of grace and unconditional love.  Me?  Not a chance.

Inside I am begging for a change, begging for someone or something to save me, to lift me up out of this mess.  I'm left with the sad realization that the only one who can save me is myself, and I don't think I have the strength or the know-how to do it.

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