Thursday, August 25, 2011

Today I Had A Breakthrough

RestAfter several weeks of heavy depression - which brings along with it other very unpleasant mates like lack of motivation, hopelessness, irritability, etc. - I saw my doctor this past Monday and we added a little Wellbutrin to my contentment coctail.

The effects were noticeable after just a few days.  It's like something just "clicked".  Wellbutrin is a stimulant, which makes me self-conscious that I'm on legal crack, but at this point I'm pushing all stereotypes aside and am enjoying this umph I'm experiencing to get back on track.  I've taken this medicine before, but I was mixing it with drugs and alcohol, so I can't really judge on my past experience.

Now that I am in a healthier place, I can judge by my current experience.  Wednesday and Thursday of this week, I:
*worked 8 hours (a full day in grown-up land)
*hit the gym for some cardio
*read my heart out during the evening (which I've been doing lately but for the wrong reasons to escape and have an excuse to hole up in my room all day)
*made simple, healthy meals vs. shoving fast food in my face

I remember my counselor back in my college days, when I asked "how will I know the medicines are working?", said "You'll go outside and take a look around and think 'mmm...it's a nice day out' while taking in a full breath." I'll admit - I was skeptical.  After all, I breathe everyday and what if it was raining outside or the dead of winter.

Well, today while I was doing the mundane tasks of grocery shopping, answering emails, etc., I thought back to those counselor's words years ago and realized the tasks didn't feel all that mundane and I even had a smile while doing them. Not the fake kind of smile but the true kind of smile you feel down in your gut.

Along with The Smile, I took many deep breaths today but a different kind of breath, a breath that told me I am alive and I'll be alright, a breath that gave me a calming energy.   And with the clear, pale blue sky above me, I guess I can say the weather wasn't all that bad, either.

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