Thursday, August 4, 2011

Q&A, without the A

AloneLife is too short to spend the majority of your days doing any one thing.  I thought of these words, so why can't I live by them?

I am a reading machine.  That's good, right?  I'm reading book after book, adding checkmarks every few days to my Amazon wishlist of books that interest me.  Since when is reading not a good thing, a really good thing.

Balance and moderation.  I am distracted at work, annoyed by the sound of other people's voices, and count down the minutes until I can be home.  And when I am home, I read until I fall asleep, and the cycle begins all over the next day.

It's been at least a few weeks of this, and a few months of melancholy.  I am not working out, I am not cooking, and I feel further from God than I have felt since before I became a Christian.

"God is real no matter how you feel."

"You are as close to God as you allow yourself to be."

Passages from Purpose-Driven Life enter my head when I have thoughts such as those I expressed above.

Again, I can say these words, and I can think these words, so why can't I live these words?

Every night as I fall asleep after hours of seclusion in my room, I tell myself, "Tomorrow is the day for change." I tell myself I will wake up early, enjoy a mug of coffee, hit the gym for some much-needed cardio, and shower and put myself together for work.  It's always "tomorrow" and it always never happens.

In a day where we have a black president and a growing number of states honoring same-sex marriage, amidst mind-boggling medical and technological advances, surely little Miss Kristin can get off her ass, make some adjustments in her life, and really start living for a change.

I wonder what advice my great-grandparents would give me.  They lived through the Great Depression and a world war in which my great-grandfather fought in, and after almost 50 years of marriage and over 80 years of life, surely they experienced struggles that I could not even imagine.  They also lived during a time where difficult things were stigmatized - depression, marital problems, family secrets.  Everyone had to walk around like life was peachy-perfect.  Maybe that's how they survived...faked it 'till they made it.

Music can't do it for me, books can't do it for me, men can't do it for me, family can't do it for me.  Where do I find meaning in life?  I thought God could do it for me, but there are doubts and fears and distance between us, much like most things in my life.

I'm drifting again like a lost tugboat or piece of paper overpowered by the wind.  The only direction I am certain I am headed is to places I am unsure about, a parodox that scares the hell out of me while providing the only little bit of security I can get.

It's days like these when the only answer I can muster up is "Tomorrow."

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