Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Me vs. Me

MMA Gear, Boxing GlovesThe Kristin who comes out in my journal is much more reassuring than the Kristin yapping in my head all day.

I woke up this morning expecting to bounce out of bed like I did yesterday, and I did not want to move.  Immediately, that damn voice starts up.  "See, you weren't truly feeling good.  It was just the initial effects of your new medicine.  Now that the effects are gone, you're back to the real you: staying in bed until the last minute, late to work and looking like crap when you get there.  You probably won't even workout when you get home."

So many criticisms and negativity all rolled into a 60-second narrative in my head and within seconds of opening my eyes.  I had to take a deep breath and look at why I didn't want to get out of bed.

The most obvious reason was my body was aching terribly.  The other reason, well, I was just plain tired.  My reasons were not because I felt a sense of doom upon opening my eyes.  I was not dreading the day and any interactions with people that it may bring along.  My body was achy because I've been kicking my own butt at the gym, and I felt tired because I've been working 8-hour days and keeping myself busy until bed time.  End of story.

It was also the end of the hateful and discouraging voice in my head.  I decided to fore go an early morning workout and get a couple more hours of sleep.  When I woke up, I got ready for work and arrived on time wearing makeup and a cute outfit.  I headed to the gym after work and had an amazing workout in which I really pushed myself.  Then, I came home, cooked a yummy meal and did laundry.

I did not let The Voice ruin my day before it even began.  The Voice did not prevent me from completing all of the tasks I wanted to complete today.  I loved myself, I challenged myself, and I nourished myself, ironically, despite myself.

It's very odd to think that I have such anger and ridicule that I feel toward my own self.  And so the battle continues between my authentic self and my small self.  But I am proud to say, today, my authentic self was victorious.

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