Monday, August 29, 2011

Forward

StepsI am now on my 6th day of feeling much better.  My doctor added Wellbutrin to my current medications last Monday, and within a few days I could feel the difference.

One thing my doctor cautioned me about is that the drugs that I am on can bring on mania and to be sure that I contact her if I start feeling way "up".  The last few days I've asked myself, "Why am I feeling so well?  Is this mania?  Am I supposed to be feeling this way?"  Last night, I realized the way that I am feeling is a good thing.  I've been getting to work on time, showering every day, working out, reading, spending less time in my room - these definitely are not symptoms of a manic episode.

I have this underlying sense of "when will this bliss end?"  My blueprint, as my counselor refers to, tells me:  The world is bad.  People are bad.  Life is hard.  I can't ever be happy, at least not for long.  There is a part of me that is expecting my happiness and my energy and my new found zest for everyday activities to disappear just as quickly as it entered my life.  This same part of me is questioning my sanity in regards to what I am experiencing and how I am acting.  I'm enthusiastic about the day.  Definitely crazy.

It's crazy to think that showering regularly and working an 8-hour day is crazy.  But because this is all new to me, the red flags are waving.  Beware of change; it will take you to a worse place.  Better to stick with what you know.  I've got to rework my circuits, make some changes to this blueprint of mine, but where do I begin?

I suppose it begins with getting out of bed in the morning, then taking one step at a time.

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