Wednesday, July 13, 2011

struggle, wait, repeat.

I'm on a waiting list to begin seeing a counselor in my new town.  I've got about 5 weeks until my first appointment.

I don't want to spend these weeks miserable.  I don't want to feel like I'm "waiting".  I want to make progress, read and write, feel more peace and contentment.  I want to get a call one day telling me my spot on the list has reached the top, and have forgotten, even if for just a few moments, that I was on a waiting list to begin with.

Much of my life has changed over the last handful of years.  But, tonight I am thinking about how I remain the same inside.  I remain bitter and broken, untrusting and unreliable, scared in the present and fearful of the future.  I have a degree, a job I enjoy, aspirations for my near future, my own place that I share with the sweetest roommate a person ever could have...but still the feelings and behaviors of my old cirumstances remain.

I have so much guilt for my past actions.  I hurt so many people, and I tarnished my reflection to the outside world and worse, to myself.  How do you come back from this?  

For me, there is no "back".  I haven't ever been in a good place and I certainly have no clue on how to get there.  I'm in uncharted waters, struggling to just survive, struggling even harder to get to that good place in the distance, waiting for a breakthrough...

I look around and everyone I know is getting married, already married, having babies, buying houses...and here I am just struggling.  And waiting.

When is it my turn?  When will i experience peace and joy and marriage and family?  Sometimes I think my time has passed - I jumped aboard the happiness train and jumped right back off not long after.

Yes, it sounds like I'm diminishing myself, my accomplishments, my future, etc.  Yes, it sounds like I think life owes me something and I was given some short stick in life while everyone around me is twirling tree trunks.  Yes, I know how all this sounds.  But I believe it.  

What do you do when you harbor such awful sentiments about yourself...about the core of your being and everything surrounding you?


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