Monday, June 20, 2011

Stuck

I've taken a few steps back on the happy trail.

Next week I'm taking an amazing trip with my boyfriend. You'd think I'd be ecstatic, and I'm not. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of excitement, but I mostly feel anxious, worried, nervous, etc.

Work is good. Work is really good; however, I have a fly in my ear telling me it's a job that doesn't pay enough and isn't going anywhere. But, I really, really like what I'm doing. I have free reign to take on any marketing projects I see fit. I plan special events, I work to bring new groups in, and find ways to keep the business interesting - I love it. But, part of me does realize the pay is pretty stinky. Now, I've always been one to choose contentment over money any day, but my salary now can't afford me to pay off my school loans, buy a home, make a substantial financial contribution to a long-term relationship, etc. So, I'm kind of stuck questioning what I should do.

Then, there is family. It's either a really positive experience or a really negative experience when I am at a family gathering. I know my counselor would say, "Take it for what it is instead of one extreme emotion or another." Part of me agrees with her, and part of me wants to feel the extreme emotions.

And about my counselor, I haven't had an appointment in weeks. I have the time, and I have the money, but I suppose I don't have the courage. The last thing I told her was that I was ready to really dive in to the serious, difficult items of my childhood and my past. Then I completely blew her off. I'm torn.

I want to get rid of, or at least find peace with, all of the muck and guck of years ago and today, but I know in doing so, I'm going to hurt. It's going to be painful, confusing, frustrating, and difficult. Right now I'm doing okay - I'm making it to work every day, I'm reading, I'm exercising...I don't want to mess things up. But, I also don't want to just be doing okay. I don't want my measure of peace and contentment to have to do with getting out of bed in the morning.

That's where I am today - stuck between what's behind me and what's ahead.

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