Monday, March 28, 2011

MIA - Mentally Incapable of Acceptance?

I've missed you.

This past month, I've been up, and I've been down.  I've been elated, anxious, bitter, hopeless, and that was all before I even got out of bed in the morning.  Sometimes afternoon.  Yes, on days that I "could", and by "could" I mean get away with, even if barely, not getting out of bed, I stayed in bed till after noon, loathing the day, fearing the day...until I couldn't hold my bladder one minute longer or stand to hear my tummy growl one more growl.


I went MIA.  I emotionally checked out.  I went to work.  I came home.  I got into bed.  And I did it all over again for about the last four weeks.  And you know what?  I was miserable!  Purely miserable.  I did manage to read a little each day in this book my counselor gave me.  She gave it to me - gave it.  She said "Here!  I'm giving you this book.  You can pay for it, or give it back, or re-gift it to someone, but I want you to read it" - that kind of give.  When a woman like her tells you to do something, you do it.  So I've been reading it.

The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.  I am on page 70, and so far, so good.  I remembered when she suggested The Secret Life of Bees - and I started reading it, and it was a good story line, but I kept thinking to myself, "Why on earth did she want me to read this book other than the fact it's a great book?"  And.....boy/girl.  I cannot say enough about that book - by the time I had finished the very last chapter, a part of my brokenness was healed.  I mean that sincerely.  So, The Happiness Trap is good, but I know it's only going to get better.

And four weeks after being MIA, I know I'm getting a little bit better, too (cliche words to softly flow into a new paragraph but it's been a long day and I didn't have anything else!).  I have a large project at work.  A project that I am passionate about - a project that gets me up in the morning and keeps me going eight hours a day (okay, sometimes six).  The end result, I cannot wait to see the end result - I get goosebumps when I envision what is to come.  I haven't felt that way about much of anything for a very, very long time.

I don't think I want to be miserable anymore.  I'm ready to throw in the towel.  At this point in my life, being content is much easier.  Before it was a struggle, when I was caught in my mother's insane web of manipulation, when I was surrounded by drugs and alcohol everyday without the self-respect to say "No!", when I didn't have a counselor, or medication, or faith.  I truly believe, in this moment, God has placed blessings in my life, He has placed wonderful things and people and projects to get me up in the morning.  I only must accept His grace, love, and forgiveness.  Because after four weeks in darkness, He is the hope and the love that opened my eyes.

No more MIA, Lord.  I faithfully and gratefully accept Your grace, love, and forgiveness.

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