Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Sitting, Waiting, Wondering

I am fearful of many things, but it wasn't until very recently that I realized I am most fearful of community.  Slowly, and at different points, throughout the past couple of years I have become aware that any social anxiety, nervousness, shyness, insecurities, etc. I have ever experienced all boils down to being friggin' scared to death of becoming close to a small group of like-minded individuals.

My counselor emailed me after reading my last post.  This is what she said...

"You are trying to do life alone and you were meant for community.  Granted, and you even say this, all your relationships thus far have failed to convince you of this truth.  I think though, at the end of the day, it is our relationships that motivate us...inspire us... bring that something to our dull lives.  I am not implying that a really good (healthy) friendship will take your depression away, but you may find that it becomes a different beast altogether and one not so painful in a lonely kind of way."

I think I'm fooling myself.  I spend one or two, maybe even three, days with a friend or family member, and I tell myself I am not isolating myself from the world.  But I am.  I spend my workday in a small office with basic, job-related communication with others.  I come home.  Sometimes I make it to the gym.  And when I do, I smile at a few people and keep my ear-buds in to drown away outside noise.  I have no desire to strike up a conversation or even utter some meaningless words about the weather. 

At home, I spend the evenings in my room.  I eat in my room.  I write in my room.  I read in my room.  Today my roommate asked if I didn't like being downstairs.  I explained that I'm just an "inside-my-room person".  Growing up, I spent all of my time in my room.  I felt exposed and in danger when I was in other parts of the house.  In my room is where I felt safest.  I suppose I am reliving those emotions today. 

The only danger I am in now is that of healing, which scares the shit out of me.  I feel so fragile like I'm going to break at any moment.  Many mornings I wake up and ask myself, "Is this the day my whole world is going to fall apart?"  Dramatic I know, but I really feel this way.  Behind me is chaos and in front of me is truth, and I'm scared to move. 

"I want you to start meditating on community and friendship.  Pray for it.  Put your self in places where that is more likely to happen.  Put yourself in places where the people you will more than likely meet will be people you will actually want in your life.  I am thinking church...which would lead you to a women's bible study with women similar in age, which will lead you to a good friend."

I don't see this happening.  I don't see friendship and closeness with women happening, let alone women who are in the same age bracket as me.  I am not that girl who grabs a cup of coffee and "catches up" with Lisa or Debbie or Jill.  My stomach turns just thinking about it.  I am not enough.  What would I bring to the table?

So I sit in my room waiting for the evening to end and morning to begin just to do it all over again.

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