Sunday, January 23, 2011

Effort In a Cup

Putting forth effort to the aspects of my life which are important; consciously trying to improve myself mentally, professionally, and spiritually.  Still I say, this has been a hard last couple of weeks

Doesn't it get easier?  Shouldn't I be feeling on the top of the world?  Deep down, the crumminess still remains.

I have attended work steadily and remained focused since I began my new job in December.  I did have a few occasions where my depression really took me out,  but I was able to work around it, and due to the nature of my work atmosphere I don't think anyone really took notice.  I blamed it on the flu (which is true because I did get a whiff of something for a couple weeks the end of the year).  I really, really like my job.  I feel it allows me to do the things that are important to me:  talking with people, helping them out, solving problems that may arise, coordinating events, taking initiative and ownership in my work.  And it provides income, which is...

...okay.  I am still struggling financially to make ends meet (I cannot stand that cliche term!), but they are meeting somehow.  I am not making all of my bills, but I am making the ones that I can, my priority bills that will assist me in achieving more in my life and eliminating more of my debt - a roof over my head, counseling and medication, transportation, and communication.  And while I am deeply in debt, debt isn't the issue. 

My money problems arose from something completely different than money.  My financial debt is a mirror of the voids inside me.  I was trying to fill these voids the wrong way.  Now, I am facing the consequences of bad decisions (failing classes from drug and alcohol abuse resulting from my depression; relocating several times for boyfriends, friends, or the hope for something better; misusing money to keep up an image, to buy things that I thought made me who I was and kept me happy) financially.  I am dealing with these financial consequences as best I can with what I have.  This is all I can do, and pray and hope that what I have to give to these consequences slowly becomes enough.

I am on my third week of working out; I found an awesome, simple, everything-I-need-in-a-gym gym for $20 a month.  Yes, 20 more dollars going out of my account, but a bill that I believe will help me in generating more income.  The first two weeks I went four times each week - not too bad for just getting back into a regular workout routine.  I weighed myself the other day, which was terribly discouraging because I weighed half a pound more than when I started!  The scale may not have moved, but I do feel the beginning emotions of being moved to my core.  Pushing myself to work out is a big step for me, and once I begin to see the first few pounds melt away, I know this will help keep me going.

I met with my counselor via telephone a couple weeks, which runs $40 a pop (a good chunk of money for me personally, but the absolute most generous rate a really good counselor could give a patient).  I suppose $40 is a small price to pay for something which invokes a strong desire to search within myself about a very deep truth I have held my entire life.  As we were wrapping up the appointment, she said "Maybe you need to go to counseling a couple times a month to hash everything out."  Another simple sentence that really got me thinking...

There have been a few times in my life that I was attending counseling regularly, regularly meaning bi-weekly and monthly.  Some outside factor has always been the reason (excuse! cough, cough) I discontinued going regularly or all together.  Money.  Relocation.  Things improving in my life.  Yes, just when things get a little bit good, I discontinue counseling, medication, spiritual work, and the likes.  Counseling helped to get me to where I am today, and the two counselors I had in the last year were a true blessing from God to help me along my journey.  Because of this, I know I must regularly attend counseling.   

Looking back upon years throughout my life, I know things about myself.  It's not just the recent progress in my work within myself which sheds the truth, it's everything.  It's my life ten years ago and it's my life now.  I know I quit, and I know why I quit.  I know I run, and I know why I run.  And I know it's got to stop, and I know I've got the strength to stop it. 

Doesn't it get easier?  Shouldn't I be feeling on the top of the world?

This is it, all of the personal work I have been doing.  This is the moment that I have prayed for, struggled for, longed for:

I rise on a Sunday morning and open the shades to let the sunshine in.  I crack the window to let the night out and inhale the cool Winter breeze.  Sipping on a cup of coffee in one of the many coffee mugs I inherited from the most amazing woman I've ever known, I get inspired by the melodies of some of my favorite songs.  I am still, expressing my authentic self in the blogosphere, exhaling the negative and inhaling the reprieve, with my furry best friend at my feet resting beneath my desk. 

No comments:

Post a Comment