Thursday, December 23, 2010

This Condition I Am In

I feel dirty. I feel a wreck. I feel damaged. I am ready for this holiday season to be done with (I said this in 2008 and 2009 and today). I’m tired of being in this place of neglect and confusion and disappointment. I feel abandoned by God. I’m angry that my childhood sucked so bad that I am scarred even here in my late twenties. The world keeps spinning and moving and leaves me behind in this state that I am in.

I am told to pray and trust in God and know that he loves me in whatever condition I am, no matter where I came from. I am told he forgives me for my sins. What if all those things aren’t so? What if at the end of the day, I’m just a rotten, used up, mentally damaged and corrupt human being? What if my suffering does not serve a purpose greater than me and cannot be healed by the ultimate power of the universe?

What if when it's all said and done, I end up just where I am now: fed up, frustrated, weak, and empty.

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