Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Nothing Light About It

A couple months back I started receiving automated emails daily from Narconon Arrowhead – it’s a rehab treatment facility in Oklahoma.  I remember doing research last year for my stepbrother who was addicted to meth and who came to live with me for a couple months (big mistake, and another story for another day).  No, I did not start doing meth, but I did have a very serious breakdown that included taking a bunch of pills along side a bunch of alcohol.  This is what led me to do some outpatient alcohol rehab for a couple months.  Well…I don’t know if it was at this time that I signed up for some kind of newsletter, but I started getting emails from this Narconon place.  At first I just deleted them.  But then, I started reading them.  And, they have proven very useful for me to apply to my drinking and past substance abuse.

The one I received today definitely applied to the fiasco that happened the other night, Christmas night.  It talked about how when you are working on your sobriety, it’s important to finish out your education and pick up where you left things behind when you were so wrapped up in your substance abuse.  “The more you have to lose, the less likely you are to return to your old substance habits.”  That line is what struck me.

I was talking to Mr. P today about the other night and how it was bothering me greatly.  Things were already a little awkward with me and that side of the family because I got in trouble in high school and I took forever to graduate college, and I was always bouncing around from school to school and city to city.  I wanted them to view me in a different light, and I was frustrated when they would ask me those subtle, “we think you’re a fuckup” questions like “have you graduated yet?” and “so, where are you living now?” type of questions.  Well, Christmas night, I basically put that negative view of me that I didn’t want them to have on a platter and served it up alongside a chocolate-wasted holiday dinner.  

“It’s devastating,” I told Mr. P.  “That’s a little too serious,” he said.  “It’s a set back,” I quipped.  “Yea, that’s more believable,” he replied.

A set back.  I’ve blogged about “set backs” before, and  as I’m typing this I’m thinking I might want to go back and find that post and read it for some personal inspiration inspired by me personally.  All of this ties in to today’s Narconon daily tip from the emails I mysteriously began receiving a few months back, the one which said, “The more you have to lose, the less likely you are to return to your old substance habits.”

Up until pretty recently, I may not have cared about a drunken debauchery-ridden night in full view of my extended family.  “Back then”, the old Kristin was an everyday occurrence.  I didn’t care who respected me, who thought what of me, who I appeared to be.  And while no, you should not live your life based around what other people may or may not think of you, to an extent, it’s healthy and appropriate to want to be viewed in a good light, in the light which you view yourself in.  Well, the light that I view myself in was not the light I shined the other night; that is for sure.  And it really bothers me.  It’s not good to beat myself up over a mistake, but these days, mistakes go a lot further.  I have progress upon progress to maintain and gain, and a drunken set back today means a lot more than a drunken set back a year ago. 

So where does this leave me now?  Well, even before the other night, I was having a difficult couple of weeks.  Today, after the last couple of bad weeks on top of the other really bad night, I feel okay.  I feel like I’ve weathered the storm, like I’ve made it through a rough patch and it’s on to better things.  I may not make sense to those around me, but I’m making sense of a lot of mess.  And at the end of the day, at least for today, I’m liking my light.

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