Monday, December 27, 2010

Drinking Woes

I'm not sure how many more posts I'll begin with "It happened again." It being drinking in excess with negative consequences.

I wasn't arrested and I didn't hurt anyone.  But....what could have happened and what did happen makes me lucky, again.  I embarassed myself in front of my family by looking like a drunk fool.  And it was on Christmas.   Wow.  Nothing says white trash like getting tanked at Christmas dinner with your extended family.

I could have really gotten myself in a really bad situation.  This has been the case for many nights, hundreds of nights since I first started drinking at 16.

When I drink, it's different from when those around me drink.  They have a good time.  I have fits of sadness and rage.  I feel so guilty and worthless after these nights.  WHY do I continue drinking, then?  

I spent a couple months in 2009 going to an outpatient rehab facility.  The things I learned were amazing - my eyes were opened.  But, not opened enough.

I would say that 90% of the times I drink, something negative or unpleasant happens - something that I caused.  I don't want alcohol having this control over my life.  Too many things have been ruined or lost or broken beyond repair because of my drinking.

What's next?  I don't want to find out.  

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