Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Blessings Are in the Bowel

The down cycle of my depression lasted just a handful of days, and while I did isolate myself in my room the majority of these days (except the two days of the weekend that I spent drinking with a friend), I wasn't completely immobile. I applied to jobs via the internet, I blogged, and I spent some time at my dad's and stepmom's along with my little sisters.

The Job Search
I had a job interview today that was equivalent to swimming in a toilet. Door-to-Door Sales and a supervisor who makes $100K a year working 20 hours a week. Yea right! The only thing good that came of that interview was the girl who interviewed me - she was very fit and attractive and got me inspired to get back to working out.

Blogging
I was honest about my depression, my drinking, and recreational drug use. Why must we put the word "recreational" before "drug use"? Obviously, it's for recreational purposes, and it's still DRUG USE nonetheless. Marijuana, alcohol, crack - at the end of the day it's all the same. This is a new value for me. I never thought of cocaine or alcohol or marijuana or pills as something that should not be used. I see, that as my personal value for myself changes bit by bit, so do the values I hold for things outside of myself. Blogging has helped me realize this. Drugs - bad. A short walk to the mailbox - refreshing. An evening with my little sisters - amazingly fun and energizing. Drinking - draining. $10/hour job - smile and appreciate.

Family Time
I have spent two evenings this week at my dad's and stepmom's house. We'll call her "L". They welcomed me in with open arms. I used the computer and laughed at my silly sisters. And...I had a homecooked meal made by L who is a great cook. It was rough those handful of weeks I lived with them, and while I still feel that maybe some of their actions and words were unreasonable, I feel as though I am at such a good place with my family.

WHOA!

Did those words just break through my brain and travel through my fingers turning into words on this screen? Yes. YES!

Lord, You are so good. How many nights (and days) have I cried and cried from the pain of a broken family! I have spent weeks and months distraught and confused about my family situation. The biggest change is discontinuing a relationship with my mother. I have had little to no contact with her for around 3 years or so, and my life has improved. Yes, I still had suicidal breakdowns and severe mental and emotional issues, but, I must say, many of my issues stem from my incredibly screwed up childhood.

Discontinuing the relationship can be compared to having a case of food poisoning. When the food is in full contact with your system, you throw up and you are in such pain and you shit and you feel like you wanna die. You think you ARE dying. Gradually as the food slowly gets out of your system, you stop vomitting and your pain weakens and you shit less and don't feel like dying. That sums up the past few years of my life. I've weaned myself off of my mother's dysfunction and instability.

With this new outlook on life, I am able to enjoy writing and reading, running and praying, breathing and just being me. Things are not perfect by far, in fact much of my circumstance has remained the same. It's just that now I don't shit every 5 minutes and life feels okay.

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