Monday, November 22, 2010

Drugs, Jobs, and Cloudy Days

I got my job back. I have a slight pay decrease and I am on probation, but it's certainly better than nothing. This job is temporary until I can find something that utilizes my degree. My first job after college was the best thing I had, and since losing it I've taken these bunk-ass positions that pay terrible. I need to work somewhere that challenges me, a place where I can put my PR and marketing skills to use. I am creative and I am smart, and I need to work somewhere that appreciates such qualities.

I have an interview tomorrow and have applied to many jobs in the last few days. I got comfortable when I got the job I have now; I stopped searching for my career. I'm not going to make my life at a retail job that pays $10 an hour. This will get me by until I find that great job I deserve.

Now to touch on the drinking - I drank heavily over the weekend as well as smoked marijuana. I've done both of these for the past several weeks. I thought it made me feel better, the smoking that is, but I started thinking weird stuff and feeling paranoid and anxious. I know I have a problem with drinking, and many times in my life I have taken recreational drug use to the extreme.

I need to get my butt outside in the mornings! It gets light early enough for me to walk my dog or take a nice jog. My new place is right across from a park. So, why am I still dreading getting out of bed in the morning? Why am I going to bed at 7pm? I think the answer, as always, is depression. Alcohol and marijuana just can't be helping me feel better.

What does make me feel better? Reading, writing, running, walking my dog, keeping my place clean and organized, cooking...all of which I am not doing. I do nothing while I beg and beg for the Lord to help me. My energy has been zapped. I want to isolate, and stay in bed. These are definite symptoms of depression. I definitely feel my emotions in cycles - I am up and feel content and thankful and strong, and then I feel sad and frustrated and useless...which is how I am feeling now.

I'm hoping tomorrow will bring a break in the clouds hovering over my life.

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