Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The "S" Word - Part 1

I was talking with my dad tonight on the phone.  I felt moved to tell him I appreciated him and loved him and I'm sorry for the mean words I said to him during our "you need to find a new place to live" convo.  The words had already been formed and spoken through the airwaves before I had a chance to regurgitate my pride.  This opened the dialogue that would change my evening, the remainder of my week, and carve a new fork in my journey.

"We see you in cycles.  It's nice when you're on your cloud and you're happy.  But you have your times where you hermit up in the back bedroom and we hardly see you when you visit.  And I've come to accept everyone and I've always had a place for you, but this is just what we've seen.  When you take your medicine and you're getting the help that you need you're a different person.  We're just like "wow"; we can really see a change in you."

I listened to his words.  Two things really stood out.  The first was "cycles." Of course looking back I know my behavior and lifestyle was not the best.  I was a mess, I admit it.  I drank too much, chased boys, experimented with drugs, and failed classes.  And that was just junior year of high school.  I never thought that others saw me going through cycles.  Which, could be good and bad.  Good because they saw the not-so-great side of me as a cycle and not as who I really am.  Bad because they often saw me as a crazy nutcracker on a wild ride of alcoholism, depression, and denial.  

The second thing that struck me like a dang freight train was "wow".  Wow--the word he used to describe me.  I have always felt my family didn't recognize the good in me, the progress I made, and the positive things I did in my life.  But, they did recognize this.  They just also recognized how this "wow" was followed by an "uh-oh".  

So where does this leave me?  My counselor said that I must approach my family with curiosity.  How have I hurt you, Dad?  How have I let you down, lil' sis?  Because of my own woundedness, I may not know.  And I didn't know!  Just read what all I just discovered during one short conversation on the way home from picking up a burrito.  

In addition to the curiosity approach, most importantly I must depart with a strong sense of self, with confidence and acceptance of my identity as the unique individual Christ says I am.

We said our "good-byes" as I was entering my temporary room with burrito and yorkie in tow.

1 comment:

  1. I remember the first "s word" conversation I had with my dad. Not much was said but what little was spoken is still treasured. I said it. He said it. And even though things aren't fully in place, I'm in a better place than I've ever been.

    So glad to see you healing, to see you seeing good in YOU. Take care.