Monday, October 18, 2010

Icky Feelings

I don't feel very wanted. I am frustrated, and the slightest bit of hope I do possess is not really in my full possession. It's kind of floating about my finger tips, taunting and tantalizing me at the same time.

I have a micro-manager and am trying to remain positive. She is so completely old school and it makes me want to scream. She doesn't understand the concept of social media marketing or how you can't just call up the VP of Marketing at Xerox and get them to order a bunch of shiz on the spot. And you can't call up Oprah, either. Yes, I called Oprah...well, Harpo Studios. The result: I'll let you take a guess.

I feel like tomorrow I want to have a "Come to Jesus Meeting", which is ironic because she is Jewish. But, I have a degree, I have experience, and I have a creative, intelligent mind who thinks I am wasting my time and her money by calling lists of multi-million, sometimes billion, dollar companies. I know you can pretty much say anything you think if you say it in the right way, in the right context, at the right time...all of which I am HORRIBLE at sensing. It's times like these I wish I would have finished reading "Social Intelligence." I know I need to say something, it's just a matter of how and when and if it will even make a difference.

I believe we need to start with the local branches of these national and international companies; work on meeting the local, immediate gift needs of the company in our surrounding area. Make a name for ourselves with the decision-makers at this level and work our way up to the corporate headquarters. I still can't believe I called Oprah.

On to feeling unwanted. I've got to tell you...just typing about my work frustrations these last few minutes...well, it's released a lot of tension and frustration. As well as feeling unwanted - it helps typing to you, whoever you are. Thanks for this. Now moving on.

I was essentially kicked out of my dad and stepmom's house. Call it what you want - they don't want to call it this (they as the people who kicked me out). I didn't clean up enough. I borrowed my stepmom's earphones once without asking. I felt I was doing great, making a life for myself, working two jobs. I was in great spirits. I believe this was the problem. They have a tendency to try and bring me down, harping on my mistakes...because God forbid me, ME, me made of flesh and blood and human-ness, make any mistake more than once. So...we had a blow out. I said they were trying to make up for some inadequacy in their own lives by harping on my mistakes and not recognizing how well I am doing. Blah blah blah. Fifteen minutes of a heated discussion later, I was told that my stepmother didn't want me there and that she doesn't think my dad needs to be helping me out because of the situation I've put myself in once again.

So, I was all set to move into a new place on Friday, this Friday, and it all fell through last night. The third roommate flaked, leaving me and the other girl to find a place of our own. Not so bad except that my credit is horrible, I have no money saved for a deposit or pet fee or any of that, and I have a broken lease on my rental history. The place that fell through would have allowed me to just move into a vacant bedroom without any deposit or rental application...but that is no more.

I am very frustrated. I understand that I, for the third time, relocated and readjusted my entire life for a guy, for a BOY for that matter, and it didn't work out. Third time's a charm for a good ol' lesson learned? My thoughts exactly. Which is funny, because for this week I am staying at my guy friend's house. I had to find a place to stay this week because my stepmom's mom is in town and needs the couch I was sleeping on, so naturally I was booted. Here I am, depending on another GUY to help me out.

I am so tired of depending on people, and needing people. I know there is some human level, which isn't even on a human level --it's more of a spiritual, not-of-the-flesh level, that is good for me as a human to need others, to not be able to go it alone. But I want to go it alone! I don't want to want anyone; I don't want to need anyone. But...why is it that I feel so unwanted when the people who should give me what I want and what I need.....don't?

I want to know the answer to that question, and I want to know how to not feel this way. As for the micro-managing, old school Jewish boss, I think I'll just grin and bare it. But I'm definitely not calling Oprah again.

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