Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Today

A few posts ago, I wrote about a recent talk with my counselor, in which she spoke about the idea of "today" and thinking in terms of what will I do for myself today, how will I love myself today, etc. I talked with my counselor yesterday and expressed how depressed and alone I feel. She told me not to get overwhelmed in my current situation, and to make a promise to myself to do one thing that day - whether it be applying to jobs or even just taking a shower and getting ready. So, I made a promise to do one thing yesterday, and I did. I sent my cover letter and resume to around 30 companies in town.

I made a promise to do one thing today as well. I didn't make it specific - that would be too much like a to-do list, which would be far too overwhelming at this point. I just needed to do something. And I did. I unloaded my car - it was still all packed up just the way it was when I arrived exhausted and in tears Sunday night. I also showered, another task that had been pushed to the wayside in the midst of all this chaos.

Since I had unpacked my car, all of my books and my journal were just staring at me. My counselor recommended I read "Eat, Pray, Love", a book I thought was way too cliche for my liking, or for my spiritual and emotional growth for that matter. But she was so right on with "The Secret Life of Bees" that I had to start reading it....and I did. I read a Nouwen imperative as well, one I had already read, recently actually, and ironically about loneliness.

I read this imperative last week while sitting on the beach. The reason I read it was because I was lonely. On the beach with a boyfriend before all of this drama occured, I still felt the way I feel now: lonely and lost. No matter where I am, who I am with, or what I have, I carry with me the same loneliness and sadness. I knew this before, but I wanted to believe it could be different this time around. Now I know.

So this is my journey, to find out how to carry with me contentment and confidence and lots of other warm emotions and simple thoughts at all times. I don't know what all I must do to make this happen, but I know I have today, and today is what matters.

1 comment:

  1. Just catching up on the blog and as usual the writing is beautifully authentic, fresh, and honest. I am so pleased that Eat Pray Love is speaking to you right now...meeting you in your loneliness.

    pc

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