Monday, September 27, 2010

Love gained is never lost.

I have created a ritual of sorts, a ritual all my own that involves only myself and occasionally my furry best friend by my side. Once I return home from my evening job, I curl up on the couch and pick up where I last left off in EPL.

It's ironic that EPL is at the heart of my nightly ritual, which eases my mind and my heart and helps me wind down with one last burst of warm insight before I close my day. The irony is due to the fact that EPL is so much about the rituals that Liz, the main character and author, takes part in while in India and Indonesia...especially Indonesia. Bali is a ritualistic community that uses its rituals to provide balance and purpose to its people, and Liz advocates the need for rituals to keep one sane in our chaotic world. Reading EPL each night has become such a ritual for me, directing me to inner contentment and gratitude and a whole lot of understanding about my unique and very important place I inhabit within our world.

Tonight's reading included a passage that really spoke out to me, in the words of Liz's friend Felipe. "Love is always complicated. But still humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." Ahhh...this might be one of my favorite quotes of all times...This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something.

I am working to heal my heart, to fit the jagged pieces back together that shattered long ago, and which continued to break further until I was left with an unattractive mosaic of depression, loneliness, and regret. My heart is still healing from the loss of the man I thought I was going to marry, my ex-fiance who has moved on with a new wife and kids. I kick myself when my heart starts aching, because this relationship ended two years ago. Why am I still upset?

Ironically (yes, EPL provides more irony), Liz responds to Felipe's above words by saying, "My heart was broken so badly last time that it still hurts. Isn't that crazy? To still have a broken heart almost two years after a love story ends?" Her love story ended with a failed marriage; at least mine didn't get that far. It's okay to ache for another human being; in fact, it's healthy to ache - it means I tried. It means I tried to do the most difficult thing a person can do -- I loved, and I loved, and I loved this guy with my whole heart. So when I feel my heart clenching and a distant memory taking root in my mind, just let it come, and let it be a kind reminder of the love I expressed and the love I experienced rather than what I lost.

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