Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Face of Grace

I am writing to you tonight with such enthusiasm for the positive perspective I have chosen to keep locked in my mind.

I am doing simply fantastic at my evening job. In my first two weeks, I am one of the top sellers in the marketing department for a performing arts center downtown. I am calling patrons of the center telling them about the new season and getting them to buy tickets. I am averaging one sale per night, and my hard work has placed me in the 8% commission bracket (I started at 5%). There were two particular nights in which the very last person I spoke with bought tickets - which means, after calling between 120 and 150 people, I remained confident and diligent until the very end, and experienced immediate fruits of my hard work.

And there's more...

I spent the afternoon and evening downtown with a dear friend. Out of the thousands upon thousands of people who were downtown for the football game and a festival, I ran into two girls I used to be friends with when I was a sophomore in college. I say "used to" because, as I have expressed throughout this journal, I struggled with depression and hopelessness and extreme binge drinking - and these girls witnessed all of it. There were a few nights where police were involved, and even a night involving an ambulance. I had no clue that my life was such a mess and that I had serious issues to resolve and conquer. Such dark times.

So I see these girls, and out of embarrassment or regret or whatever, I could have pretended I didn't know them or didn't see them. But I didn't. I had my sunglasses on, I looked straight at them, took off my sunglasses and gave them both a hug. They asked how I was doing. "So well," I exclaimed with such excitement that even surprised me. We made small talk about work and life, and I was so positive in how I explained my current life situation. "I moved back home and am working the interview circuit to get back into doing what I really want to do." We departed with a "so great to see you" and an understood "even if we don't hang out again, which we probably won't because of all the drama, I'm happy you're doing well."

As my friend and I walked away, I looked at him and said something that I truly believe I will remember for a very long time. "I'm so glad they got to see me at this point in my life when I'm doing so well." Again, my positivity was shocking. I didn't even know I was speaking those words until I had already expressed that sentiment. Doing so well. With the whirlwind that has thrown me into another new city, searching for a full-time job, recently being sued (and losing), and in loads of debt without a penny to my name (at least until my upcoming payday), on some unknown subconscious heart believes I am doing well.

I can't pinpoint just why. It reminds me of Liz in EPL. I actually blogged about it recently. She says that pulling herself out of depression took millions of tiny choices that she can't quite quantify as to which worked the most or the least or anything in between. Every day I am pushing forward. Every day I am applying to jobs. Every day I am taking my medicine. Every day I am praying and reading and writing. It's uplifting. It is all so uplifting.

I am so happy to share this time in my life with you, my counselor who I know is an avid reader and commenter, past and present friends who will remain friends in my heart forever, and strangers who leave me inspirational comments with words of wisdom (and you're kindness makes you really not a stranger at all). I am finding out that the pursuit of happiness really is not a pursuit - it's right here, right now, in whatever storm I am facing.

Dear Lord, I love You. I love that You love me so much that You are here with me, guiding me, speaking to me, and holding me. Your love and the endless fruit that comes with it is why I feel so incredibly led to serve You in whatever way You have planned for me. My soul is smiling with thanks, and again, I love You.

1 comment:

  1. such a beautiful post. 'The power of positive thinking' has become cliche, and often times still very empty, but I think you have also proven there is something to it. I suppose it has to do with where your positive comes from...