Thursday, September 2, 2010

baby steps

There's all of these firsts you have to overcome after a breakup. The first time you sleep alone, the first time you go out with friends, the first time you watch Jersey Shore.

Yes, Jersey Shore night was a special night. We made dinner and drank a few beers while watching the show, laughing at their outrageous behavior. But relationships are more than this...

I didn't feel comfortable to open up to him, and the times I tried he shut me down. He couldn't handle any conflict - he would push it away, he pushed me away. I remember thinking very early on in our super short relationship that my journey of self improvement and my walk with God would not include this man. He's just not that guy.

So why am I so sad?

I think I'm more sad about how it all ended, about how I once again drank an insane amount of liquor and made a fool of myself. I'm sad that I'm not normal, I'm not good enough, I'm not healed. I'm sad that I am damaged.

Reading "Eat, Pray, Love" has surprisingly been one of my life savers. There are these lines, sometimes entire paragraphs, where I feel like the words I am reading are words I have actually wrote, or at least thought in my head. And this tells me something...

Everyone experiences heartache, breakups, failed marriages, and like the author of the book, loneliness and depression. She even felt these emotions in Italy! So the fact that I feel all of the crazy emotions I am feeling right now while sleeping on the couch at my dad's house with all of my belongings boxed up in the garage...well...I think it's not too abnormal.

I thought about starting another blog where I was completely anonymous. I only told my counselor and a person who was a friend at the time about this blog. My counselor I want to read this. My ex friend, well, I don't want anyone not "on my side" to know about my heartache. I think they will relish in the fact I am hurting, giving another "I told you so" to yet another painful mistake I have made. I feel like I have a large group of opponents, routing for me to fail.

But whether anyone I know reads this blog or not is not what is important. What is important is that I am honest. What is important is that I am authentic in my journey, no matter how high I climb or how hard I fall. I started this blog months ago, January months ago! And these posts, no matter how painful they may be, are steps along my journey. These posts are not the end of the road, and exciting and happy things are just a few steps ahead.

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