Wednesday, September 1, 2010

As much as things change...

...they still remain the same.

My beach getaway has come to an end. It kills me to even type these words. The family reunion ended disasterously, with me getting absolutely wasted and a huge argument erupting between me and my bf's parents.

I find myself back in Austin with another bad breakup under my belt, wondering when the hell I'm really going to make a change. My counselor says I mistaked my grounding for being grounded -- and I suppose she's right. I felt safe enough and happy enough in my own skin to get involved in this crazy love romance and completely give up any stability I had. So much of me wanted to believe my soul was ready to take such a leap, but I realize it wasn't. And if I was truly healed and content and whatever other words you want to insert here to begin with, I wouldn't have made such a leap anyhow. And that's just the truth.

So, here I am. My living situation isn't anything close to being comfortable, but as my counselor said, this is temporary. As quickly as I made poor decisions and changed my life for the not-good, can't I give as much, if not more, energy into making the decisions to change my life for the better? I am happy to be out of the city I was living in (before I moved to the beach), and even though my heart aches, at least I didn't spend another day of my life in a relationship that wasn't meant to be. I wish it wouldn't have ended in the way that it did, but what's done is done.

I have continued applying for jobs, and yesterday sent my resume out to about 30 or so companies. I've received 2 responses so far, and I have an interview scheduled for late morning on Friday. This lifts my spirits a tiny bit, but I still just feel awful, for exact reasons I can't explain. I'm going to do a little reading, pray, and sit quietly waiting for the answer.

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