Thursday, August 19, 2010

Today

I had an appointment with my counselor this morning. Talking with her helps me tremendously. I feel the calmest I have felt in a while. Two things about our conversation really stuck out to me: how I view my problems and today.

I want to hide my struggles from everyone. I view myself as so shameful, and view my problems as worse than most. I get wrapped up in my guilt, shame, faults, and inadequacies and feel terribly unique in all of these things. "No one is going through what I am. No one understands. It's hopeless; I'm hopeless.". The world becomes this huge burden weighing me down. My problems are not unique though. They are rather common. Could it be that so many others are experiencing similar pain, but they, too, hide it from the world?

Today. This I like, and it really brings me a sense of peace. No past, no future - think about today. What is today? How can I love myself today? How can I love others today? How can I invite the Lord in today? And if thinking in terms of today becomes difficult...what is right now?

How am I loving myself? Right now I am meditating on my counselor's insight. Right now I am reading a Nouwen imperative, journaling my deepest thoughts, and sipping on a mug of warm coffee. Right now I am safe. I am safe in God's arms.

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