Friday, August 27, 2010

I find myself sunbathing on the beach again. This weekend is a big weekend - I'm going to my boyfriend's family reunion. That's not the "big" part. The big part is...it's at a camp site. Bugs, heat, and minimally ventillated bathrooms. Yes, there are cabins. No, this doesn't make me feel better. Word on the street is we have the option of staying at someone's house about 20 minutes from the camp site - I hope this is what we end up doing.

Don't get me wrong...I love being outdoors, playing horseshoes and swimming in a lake. But afterwards, I like taking a hot shower in an air-conditioned bathroom free from bugs and that awful summer stench that makes its way into outdoor restrooms.

I'm not really all that nervous about meeting the bf's family. I get along with his mom and dad great. His mom and I have been talking on the phone and texting. It's been really nice.

As for my family...it is still disheartening. I'm told I don't call enough; I don't visit enough. When I do attempt to make contact, it goes unanswered and forgotten. When I do visit, I hear about my mistakes and the past, and how I leave the occassional light on. It's frustrating.

Living at the beach has been a temporary getaway from my sadness. But I know, I still have work to do. And I've learned that people can turn their backs on you, people who you never thought would do this. I've always known this, but thought I for sure had made friendships with those who would not. The sweetest people have an ugliness inside. It's sickening.

I'm trying to stay positive, at least I think I am. I don't want my desire to experience healthy, lasting relationships be tainted. But, in all honesty, the tainting has begun. I'm even more suspicious than I was, about people, their intentions, and what they are capable of doing. I refuse to be someone else's doormat. Maybe this sounds like I have a chip on my shoulder, and maybe I do. I've reached the end of the amount I can be hurt.

I'm going to make the best of this weekend, camping and all. I'm going to meet new people with a quiet confidence that says, "I am an incredible woman. Let's get to know one another."

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