Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Fun Time Calls for An Evaluation

I had a fun Memorial weekend with a college friend and met some really fun, unique people. We floated the river and went boating, both of which involved a lot of drinking. Looking back, I wish I wouldn't have drank quite so much, but I was living in the moment and was having a carefree, really great time.

So here it is, back to reality and I'm asking myself, "How do I really feel about this weekend?" Two days ago I was living it up as a young, single woman being super social and outgoing and feeling totally comfortable being "me." But all of these things that came with supposed ease were really just the effects of being inebriated...highly inebriated.

So again, I ask, "How do I really feel about this weekend?" As a Christian, my testimony to others was poor. I acted in the moment, not necessarily out of peer pressure but definitely wanting to do what the group I was with were doing. I didn't want to be left out of the drunken debauchery. Besides, it didn't seem like the weekend to follow any rules or adhere to any moral standards. Don't get me wrong, we had an honest, good time but if my behavior was replayed in church on Sunday morning, I would be mortified and groaning as they threw me out.

I suppose most people's average days aren't "church material" anyways. And while I have confessed to having issues when I drink, is it possible for me to go out, let loose and have a good time? I know that without alcohol, my time this past weekend would have been mediocre at best...and this bothers me.

I want to be funny and confident and social in all situations, not just those that involve massive amounts of alcohol. But in order to do that, it's going to take practice going to social events and not drinking, but still being the social butterfly that I become after a few adult beverages. This idea scares me. It's much more comforting knowing I am a bit liquored up around people with the possibility of making an ass out of myself than it is being sober and completely in control. In social settings without alcohol, I feel naked. Naked. Bare. Exposed. An open book. And this scares me, both the feeling of being exposed and the fact that I feel this way in the first place.

So, what do I do with all of this? I would say that recognizing I feel this way is an excellent step. However, if you have read any of my previous post-drinking ramblings, you know that I have already recognized that drinking for me can be a problem. So, what's the next step? I would say "stop drinking" but drinking for me isn't always a problem. If it were always a problem, then I would agree that abstaining from alcohol is a great solution. But even if drinking isn't always bad, is it ever really good?

Framing it this way helps me put this whole drinking issue in a bit better perspective. Not the perspective that doesn't involve alcohol, but the perspective that makes me question what am I really getting out of alcohol that's so great, that's worth the problems it sometimes causes.

Nothing. Truly and honestly, nothing. Even with that being said, I can't say that I will stop drinking. I enjoy it. I do wish I would control my drinking during the times I am out of control, but nonetheless, I enjoy it.

This is just another thing that is on my mind, that I am struggling to find answers to help with all of the questions and confusion I have. Part of me feels like I know the answers, and part of me feels like I want to experience last weekend again and again.

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